Home sweet Home
Door: Melanie
Blijf op de hoogte en volg Melanie
21 Januari 2012 | Frankrijk, Parijs
It is over. The crazy semester with the impossible amount of work is finally over. Well, apparently it was not that impossible because I did do it. After four months of stress, sleeping problems, and some more stress I can finally breathe again, sleep again, and relax again. Or, after having my master-difficulties as a dominant factor in my life for four months, I have room for the other difficulties again.
It started a couple of days before my last exam. I felt weird. It was hard to describe and therefore I did not say anything about it and I tried to keep focused on my work. Now I realize that that is maybe what I have been doing all these months. Focusing on my studies, that was hard enough as it was. But now there is no work I have to focus on. And now I feel weird. A couple of days ago I could not even explain what was happening. Now I am starting to realize what is going on.
I started not to feel that good at home anymore. Nothing changed, Philippe was still very kind, helpful, and supportive for my last exam, but somehow I felt weird at home. As soon as I got to the university to study I felt okay and I did not notice any of those weird feelings. I decided to blame the last days of stress and assumed that I would feel relieved and not weird anymore after my last exam. Unfortunately that was not true. The feeling did not stop once I got home and neither when Philippe got home. So it was hard to really enjoy my ‘freedom’. Which I therefore did not do. Instead, I did not do anything useful, stayed at home, and slowly discovered what was happening to me.
Homesickness. Because home is not where you live but where they understand you. Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave, and grow old wanting to get back to. I already got homesick in one of my first weeks in Paris. But both my happiness with Philippe and the craziness of my master distracted me enough not to feel that much homesick. Now it seems that the craziness have made some room for the homesick. Great. Maybe it is because I got to see Amsterdam again during the Holidays. Maybe it is because my great plan to celebrate my freedom was to see more of Paris again. Maybe I do not want to see more of Paris but I just want to ride my bike along the canals of Amsterdam and have coffee dates with my sister or my friends.
Fortunately, I am going home in one week. I am very much looking forward to that trip; I have made a lot of great plans with all my lovely family and friends. Hopefully it is going to make me feel better and it will give me my energy back for the next semester. Because now it is time to look forward to another going-abroad-adventure. In seven weeks I will move to Italy for four months. After the U.S.A. I would have been very excited to go abroad again but after Paris I am a bit more careful about that. I decided not to have high expectations and to just enjoy another experience in another country.
It is not that great to go back to a long distance relationship with Philippe again but fortunately is it not the distance Atlanta-Amsterdam again. Paris-Bologna is way more feasible and therefore we will visit each other several times. However, I still hope there is some time and there are possibilities for my friends and family to visit me. Because I realized in December—when my Mexican-ex-roommate-in-Atlanta visited me for three weeks and when my two Dutch best friends visited me in Paris for New Year’s—that it is priceless to have your true friends with you every now and then.
It started a couple of days before my last exam. I felt weird. It was hard to describe and therefore I did not say anything about it and I tried to keep focused on my work. Now I realize that that is maybe what I have been doing all these months. Focusing on my studies, that was hard enough as it was. But now there is no work I have to focus on. And now I feel weird. A couple of days ago I could not even explain what was happening. Now I am starting to realize what is going on.
I started not to feel that good at home anymore. Nothing changed, Philippe was still very kind, helpful, and supportive for my last exam, but somehow I felt weird at home. As soon as I got to the university to study I felt okay and I did not notice any of those weird feelings. I decided to blame the last days of stress and assumed that I would feel relieved and not weird anymore after my last exam. Unfortunately that was not true. The feeling did not stop once I got home and neither when Philippe got home. So it was hard to really enjoy my ‘freedom’. Which I therefore did not do. Instead, I did not do anything useful, stayed at home, and slowly discovered what was happening to me.
Homesickness. Because home is not where you live but where they understand you. Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave, and grow old wanting to get back to. I already got homesick in one of my first weeks in Paris. But both my happiness with Philippe and the craziness of my master distracted me enough not to feel that much homesick. Now it seems that the craziness have made some room for the homesick. Great. Maybe it is because I got to see Amsterdam again during the Holidays. Maybe it is because my great plan to celebrate my freedom was to see more of Paris again. Maybe I do not want to see more of Paris but I just want to ride my bike along the canals of Amsterdam and have coffee dates with my sister or my friends.
Fortunately, I am going home in one week. I am very much looking forward to that trip; I have made a lot of great plans with all my lovely family and friends. Hopefully it is going to make me feel better and it will give me my energy back for the next semester. Because now it is time to look forward to another going-abroad-adventure. In seven weeks I will move to Italy for four months. After the U.S.A. I would have been very excited to go abroad again but after Paris I am a bit more careful about that. I decided not to have high expectations and to just enjoy another experience in another country.
It is not that great to go back to a long distance relationship with Philippe again but fortunately is it not the distance Atlanta-Amsterdam again. Paris-Bologna is way more feasible and therefore we will visit each other several times. However, I still hope there is some time and there are possibilities for my friends and family to visit me. Because I realized in December—when my Mexican-ex-roommate-in-Atlanta visited me for three weeks and when my two Dutch best friends visited me in Paris for New Year’s—that it is priceless to have your true friends with you every now and then.
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21 Januari 2012 - 09:47
Vader:
Lieve Mel,
Thanks again for this beautiful story!
Don't worry about feeling homesick or lonely once-in-a-while; that's just a good sign. It means that you have friends you love and that you are loved by your friends.
In due time you will experience that more and more these feelings can be handled and it will be possible to extend the time between your visits without too many difficulties. Believe me!
It's great to 'have you home' again in a week time and then - after 2 weeks - you will be glad to 'go home' again, I guess!
Enjoy your 7 weeks of 'freedom' and charge up your battery for your next adventure!
Take care and CU soon!
Your Dad. -
21 Januari 2012 - 12:47
Laura:
Hi Mellie,
Wat een emotionele blog :(. Vervelend dat je met die dubbele gevoelens zit. Ik kan wel zeggen dat ik het helemaal begrijp, maar ik denk dat dat niet mogelijk is. Dit moet je ervaren om te begrijpen. Ik hoop dat je je weg zult vinden en dat je over een tijd(je) kunt zeggen dat je je ook thuis voelt in Frankrijk. Ik wou dat ik je kon helpen, maar ik ben bang dat dit een proces is, waar je zelf door heen moet. Maar uiteraard ben ik (en ook Jarno en natuurlijk Bas) er altijd voor je. Heel veel sterkte in deze moeilijke tijd en ik hoop dat je desondanks toch nog kunt genieten van je mooie studietijd in Italië, je prachtige appartement in Parijs, maar bovenal van je grote liefde Philippe.
Heel veel liefs en een dikke knuffel van ons! -
21 Januari 2012 - 14:46
Soledad:
Dear Melanie,
Very nice and interesting story again. I am happy that you are sharing your story. I am very proud of you. It takes a lot of time before u feel at home (Paris) I know Philippe will not neglect you. He is a very kind person. Wish you good luck in Italy. Looking forward to see you on Jan. 29 (musical night) and long weekend in Texel with Philippe. Sharing bad feelings to a good close friend, is good for health. Do some body exercise in the morning. D ,,:-) <3 Hugs and kisses. Love you. God Bless!!!
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21 Januari 2012 - 16:59
Roos:
Hee Mel,
Klinkt heel begrijpelijk allemaal! Wat een verwikkelingen, zeker als je nagaat dat we in dec. 2010 zaten te eten en net spraken over 'onze nieuwe mannen', nog voor dat oud en nieuw! Thuiskomen lijkt me heerlijk voor je, geniet daarvan en gebruik alle lieve mensen om je heen om je op te laden ;) Liefs, Roos Bekker -
21 Januari 2012 - 18:32
Marieke:
Ha bikkeltje!
Bijna weer thuis...! Heerlijk even genieten van koffie aan de Amsterdamse grachten (of in een burgerlijke Diemense woonwijk). Misschien dat Parijs en Italie daarna ook weer wat beter voelen.
Liefs en tot gauw!
Marieke (& JJ & Lina) -
23 Januari 2012 - 15:58
Margit!:
Wauw, wat een eervolle vermelding krijg ik toch! Fijn je dit weekend even te hebben gesproken, en je toch ook weer even te zien lachen. Nog even volhouden en dan kan je weer even genieten in Nederland! Je bent een topper!!!! XXX -
30 Januari 2012 - 21:43
Celine:
mwawwwwwwwwwwww i give you hundreds of hugs !! you're the best !!!! you'll cope ;) -
15 Maart 2012 - 15:31
Ise:
Oooohhh.. two things.
Did you write this? Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave, and grow old wanting to get back to. Or did you see it somewhere? If not you're a poet and from now on I'll call you Mel Von Shakespeare!
And you know I loved being there! If we only lived a little closer to each other you and Philippe would have me every weekend making tacos and guacamole.
Love yooooou.
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Je kunt nu ook Smileys gebruiken. Via de toolbar, toetsenbord of door eerst : te typen en dan een woord bijvoorbeeld :smiley
